Ralph Kramden:
(music) You will know as well as I do, Alice, that money is better than fame. I would rather have money in my wallet. In my wallet, I’d rather have money than all the things in the world. So let’s not have his vacuum cleaner. Let him have his television set. Let him have his electrical stove. Go ahead. I got one thing that he hasn’t got. I got it here.
Alice Kramden:
You got it here, and you got it here, and you got it here.
Ralph Kramden:
Get out! I said get out! Get out!
Ed Norton:
If I go, that set goes with me.
Ralph Kramden:
That set goes over my dead body.
Ed Norton:
I couldn’t get it out over your dead body. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?
Ralph Kramden:
All right [inaudible 00:01:29] go.
Alice Kramden:
[inaudible 00:01:30].
Mrs. Gibson:
Every time I come over here something else is busted. If only that husband of yours would buy you something new for once.
Alice Kramden:
Mother, it isn’t Ralph’s fault.
Mrs. Gibson:
It isn’t Ralph’s fault. Look, Alice, just because you’re married to a horse, doesn’t mean you have to live in a stable.
Ralph Kramden:
What is she doing here?
Alice Kramden:
Please, Ralph. She’s my mother.
Mrs. Gibson:
What’s that? Your lunchbox?
Ralph Kramden:
Well, look, Alice, I’m short a couple of bucks, and I got to pay my dues at the lodge tonight. They’re going to pull me out if I don’t.
Mrs. Gibson:
Don’t you give him a cent, Alice.
Ralph Kramden:
One of these days, you’re going to push me too far.
Mrs. Gibson:
The only thing that could push you is a bulldozer.
Ralph Kramden:
All right, get out!
Mrs. Gibson:
I have to be going anyway.
Ralph Kramden:
You were going anyway. Whether you were going anyway or any other way, I’m throwing you out anyway. There isn’t room in this place for you and me.
Mrs. Gibson:
There isn’t room in this place for you and anybody.
Ralph Kramden:
Out!
Speaker 5:
All right. Where is it?
Ralph Kramden:
[inaudible 00:02:33].
Speaker 5:
You heard me. Where is it?
Ralph Kramden:
[inaudible 00:02:33].
Speaker 5:
Okay, fatso. I’m giving you 10 seconds to give us some money or I’m letting you have it.
Ralph Kramden:
I’m going to… I’m going to give [crosstalk 00:02:41].
Police:
Drop those guns.
Mrs. Gibson:
Officer, arrest that big fat one there. He’s the one who gave me the counterfeit bill..
Ralph Kramden:
Mama, I’m Sonny Boy.
Alice Kramden:
I suppose you forgot that all this stuff has to go back, too. Every bit of it. All that is except your suits, Ralph. The tailor can’t take those back. He doesn’t know any elephants that need a new wardrobe.
Ralph Kramden:
I’m trying to tell you some good news.
Alice Kramden:
Oh, all right, Ralph? I’m sorry. What is it?
Ralph Kramden:
Well, to begin with, it doesn’t look like I’m going to need this lunch box much longer.
Alice Kramden:
Ralph, you’re going on a diet.
Ralph Kramden:
No, I am not going on a diet.
Alice Kramden:
Well, won’t you need this lunch box? Are you getting a bigger one?
Ralph Kramden:
I’m practicing playing golf.
Alice Kramden:
Oh, is that what it is? I thought it was football, the way your backfield was in motion.
Ralph Kramden:
Why, it’s great to have a wife with a sense of humor, Norton.
Ed Norton:
Hooray!
Ralph Kramden:
I can’t do it? You can’t discourage me, Alice. I don’t care if you’ve got any confidence because I have enough confidence in me, for the both of us.
Alice Kramden:
You’ve got enough everything in you for the both of us.
Ralph Kramden:
How would you like to go sailing over the clubhouse, Alice?
Ralph Kramden:
Did I, or did I not this morning tell you to wash and iron my bowling shirt?
Alice Kramden:
Oh, I’m sorry, Ralph. I was so busy today. I just didn’t get around to the laundry.
Ralph Kramden:
You just didn’t get around it?
Alice Kramden:
That’s right. I just didn’t get around to it. Why don’t you wear one of your regular white shirts? What’s the difference anyway?
Ralph Kramden:
What’s the difference? I’ll show you what the difference is, Alice. Do you see that? Do you see those big letters? They’re put on there purposely? They say, Hurricane. Hurricane! Do you know why they’re on there? That’s when I’m bowling and I’m on the alley, people who are watching the game know which team I am a member of. I’m a member of the Hurricanes, Alice. How are they going to know I’m a Hurricane?
Alice Kramden:
Just open your mouth.
Manager:
The maids are aware of this and they’ve all become very independent.
Ralph Kramden:
Independent?
Manager:
Oh, hello, Thelma.
Ralph Kramden:
This is a maid? I thought maids had short skirts with white hats and black silk stockings.
Alice Kramden:
Ralph.
Thelma:
The chubby one is going to be in trouble. And if you’re planning on having any late snacks, I don’t do no cleaning up the next morning. And this boy looks like he has plenty of late snacks.
Ralph Kramden:
I told you to stop saying “Okay, it’s very good, sir.” This happens to be my guest and I am your employer.
Thelma:
Hmm, some guest and some employer. The simp and the blimp.
Ralph Kramden:
I got it. I’ll call her what I used to call her before we were married.
Ed Norton:
What’s that?
Ralph Kramden:
Little Buttercup. Wait a minute. I didn’t call her that. She called me that. Little Buttercup. What’s so funny?
Ed Norton:
She used to call you her Little Buttercup?
Ralph Kramden:
Yeah. What’s so funny about that, Norton?
Ed Norton:
You were a little cup of butter; now you’re a whole tub of lard.
Ralph Kramden:
I’ll leave her my… Norton, I haven’t got any worldly possessions. I’m going in six months and I’ve got nothing to leave her. Not a cent. I got to leave her something.
Ed Norton:
Hey, wait a minute. I just got an idea. Look, as long as you’re going anyway, why don’t you sell your body to science? If they pay by the pound, she’ll be left a millionaire.
Ralph Kramden:
Everybody will read it. I can see it now. The first installment. The title of it: “Doomed Man Has Only Six Months to Go.”
Ed Norton:
I think that’s a little lengthy for the title. They’ll probably chop it down, make it shorter like, “In Six Months, Blimp Takes Off.
Ed Norton:
Ralph, speak to me. Do you hear me? He’s gone. He didn’t even last the six months. He didn’t last the six months. The poor little kid. The poor little fat kid.
Ed Norton:
Never again will you wear these little socks. Never again will you wear this little cap. Never again will you wear these little pants.
Alice Kramden:
I’m glad you’re here. You hold his head while I put this under his nose.
Ed Norton:
It’s no use, Alice. It’s no use. He must be approaching the pearly gates right now. At this time, they’re probably tearing down part of the fence to let him in.
Alice Kramden:
Let’s face it, Ralph. Trixie hasn’t had any sleep in three nights. If she doesn’t get some rest soon, she’s just going to waste away to nothing.
Ralph Kramden:
She didn’t have any sleep in three nights? How about me? I haven’t slept in three nights! She’ll waste away? Don’t you care if I waste away?
Alice Kramden:
Yes, I care, Ralph. But you wouldn’t waste away if you stayed awake for nine years.
Ralph Kramden:
How would you like to waste away on the moon, huh?
Ed Norton:
Ralph, I got to hand it to you, in between those two fat little ears is a great thinking apparatus.
Ralph Kramden:
Shut up and turn around.
Ralph Kramden:
I am now going to put the key where even if you know where it is, you won’t be able to get it.
Ed Norton:
Right under my pillow.
Ralph Kramden:
Now you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get at the key.
Ed Norton:
I got to hand it to you. You finally come up with something even Dick Tracy couldn’t handle.
Ralph Kramden:
Don’t you understand? [inaudible 00:09:09] and I, we chip in $300. We make $2,000, $2,000, Alice. That’s big, big, big. This is probably the biggest thing I ever got into.
Alice Kramden:
The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants.
Ralph Kramden:
I will never set foot in this building, once I walk out that door. You’re going to be awful lonesome around here, all by yourself, Alice. Just remember you can’t put your arm around a memory.
Alice Kramden:
I can’t even put my arms around you.
Trixie:
Have you got a table cloth that’ll fit?
Alice Kramden:
Gee, I don’t think I have anything for a table that big, but let’s see. What have I got in the house that’s wide enough to cover that big table of yours.
Ed Norton:
How about a pair of Ralph’s white shorts?
Ralph Kramden:
Now, what’s that for?
Alice Kramden:
You got a table cloth that’ll fit.
Ralph Kramden:
Butter on my finger at 89 cents a pound? Will you stop throwing my money around? Is there any lard here?
Alice Kramden:
Yeah, about 300 pounds.
Ed Norton:
He put that little ring on his finger? That’s like King Farouk trying to get into Gary Cooper’s bathing suit.
Ed Norton:
Boy, oh, boy. I’m telling you, Alice, you can be pretty proud of that husband of yours. I’m telling you he’s going to go far that bus company. You know why? Because his heart and soul is in his work. That’s why all he thinks about is buses. He eats, drinks, and sleep buses. He’s even built like one.
Ed Norton:
I take back my offer to you of a job in the sewer. Besides, you wouldn’t even fit through the manhole.
Ralph Kramden:
Get out!
Ralph Kramden:
Is this little drawer yours?
Alice Kramden:
That’s right.
Ralph Kramden:
Is it yours? All right. Is it jammed with stuff and everything you bought? Now, is the bottom drawer mine?
Alice Kramden:
That’s right.
Ralph Kramden:
All right. In there is one pair of pants. Why is one pair of pants of mine in that drawer.
Alice Kramden:
Because one pair of your pants is all that’ll fit in there.
Speaker 10:
You know, you and Alice don’t look very much alike for a brother and sister. There’s very little family resemblance.
Ralph Kramden:
Is that so?
Speaker 10:
Well, no offense, but she’s so… Hmm. And you’re so…
Ralph Kramden:
What are you doing with all that material? Making a bed spread?
Alice Kramden:
No, I’m letting your pants out again.
Ralph Kramden:
Don’t you think you let them out a little too much?
Alice Kramden:
I haven’t started yet.
Ralph Kramden:
I suppose it was my imagination the day we got married, and she went around the reception telling that joke about me to everybody. I suppose that was my imagination.
Alice Kramden:
What joke?
Ralph Kramden:
You know what joke. You remember that joke.
Alice Kramden:
I don’t remember. What joke?
Ralph Kramden:
Oh, yes, you do. She ran about everybody and said I’m not losing a daughter. I’m gaining a ton.
Ralph Kramden:
Well, let me tell you something. I had some chances too before I married you. Don’t laugh, Alice. There were plenty of girls crazy about me and you know it. Every time I went down at a beach, they used to crowd around me.
Alice Kramden:
Sure. Sure, they crowded around you. That didn’t mean they were crazy about you. They just wanted to sit in the shade.
Ed Norton:
Let me tell you something. Mine has got to beat*, got to beat a mile. I can’t even afford to feed her. Boy, can she eat? when she comes to dinner, she clears that table like a hurdler. Gee, is she fat. From the front, she looks like you from the back.
Alice Kramden:
Do you realize, Ralph, what an embarrassing position you’re putting me in? What am I supposed to say when my mother comes here and you’re not here?
Ralph Kramden:
What do I care what you say? Tell her I ran off and joined the circus.
Alice Kramden:
What as? An elephant?
Ed Norton:
That too, Alice. That too. You think I’d break that poor little fat boy’s heart?
Ralph Kramden:
Well, you see, Alice, that’s the difference between you and me. You are gullible and I’m not. Anybody can put anything over on you, but they can’t put it over on me. You’re the type that would bend way over and pick up a pocket book on April fool’s day. I wouldn’t.
Alice Kramden:
You couldn’t.
Ed Norton:
Mr. President.
Speaker 11:
Yes, brother Norton?
Ed Norton:
As much as I hate to pay a compliment to the fat chairman of the drive…
Ed Norton:
[inaudible 00:13:55] a rotten pig punk player, but you’ll make a good speech maker. If you were 90 pounds lighter, the boys in the car [inaudible 00:14:03].
Ralph Kramden:
What do you know about fishing in the first place? When did you ever catch anything?
Alice Kramden:
15 years ago, I caught 300 pounds of blubber.
Ed Norton:
Merry Christmas, Ralph.
Ralph Kramden:
Merry Christmas, Norton. Anyway, I know it came from your heart.
Ed Norton:
No, it didn’t. It came from the fat man shop.
Ralph Kramden:
Never mind.
Ralph Kramden:
Just remember, Norton, when there’s an emergency, I come out of it. When they made me, they throw away the mold.
Ed Norton:
They had to. You’d probably [inaudible 00:14:37].
Ralph Kramden:
I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to have nothing to do with you. If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side.
Ed Norton:
When you come down the street, there ain’t no other side.
Ralph Kramden:
That’s a problem with you. You don’t know the latest developments.
Alice Kramden:
I don’t know the latest developments? Who is it that let your pants out every other day?
Ed Norton:
Oh, it’s you, Ralph. Boy, I had scare there. For a minute, I thought we were being invaded.
Ralph Kramden:
Invaded? Did you hear that, Alice? It didn’t take him long to find out that I’m the man from space.
Ed Norton:
Space? Who said anything about space? I thought we were being invaded by Sherman tanks.
Ralph Kramden:
You mean to tell me you’re not going to take the chance to see a show like Murder Strikes Out. Instead, you want to watch Captain Video and His Video Rangers. Now, come on, Norton, do you want to go or don’t you? I can’t use two seats.
Ed Norton:
That’s a matter of opinion. I’ll manage to squeeze in somehow.
Ralph Kramden:
All right, go ahead and get dressed.
Ralph Kramden:
Oh, if Alice only hadda married those other boyfriends. Oh, Ralph, why do you eat so much? You’re so fat.
Mrs. Gibson:
Hey, Alice, you look thin. Are you getting enough to eat?
Alice Kramden:
Of course I am, mother. You wouldn’t say that if you could see our food bill.
Mrs. Gibson:
Well, I don’t doubt the bills are high, but how much of the food are you getting?
Mrs. Gibson:
Guess who I saw today.
Alice Kramden:
Who?
Mrs. Gibson:
Chester Barnes. Oh, you remember Chester that nice boy that was so crazy about you.
Alice Kramden:
Yeah. How is he?
Mrs. Gibson:
Oh, he’s fine. He’s just fine. Oh, and he’s handsomer than ever. Oh, my dear. And he’s so tall and slim. I guess a man doesn’t have to get fat if he doesn’t want to.
Ralph Kramden:
I told you I am not going to your mother’s. I’m too tired. I got to get to bed early.
Alice Kramden:
You’ll still get to bed early. We’ll go to mother’s, eat supper, and come right home.
Ralph Kramden:
You know I’m not that kind of a man. I’m not the kind that eats and runs.
Alice Kramden:
Eats and runs? The way you eat, you’re lucky if you can walk.
Ed Norton:
Let me find out if you got a fever. If you don’t have a fever, then your mind will be relieved. We’ll put the heating pad on just like the doc says. You’d be all right in the morning. You’ll be your own fat, jolly self. The way you were standing, you looked like the leaning tower of pizza.
Ralph Kramden:
Pisa! Pisa!
Ed Norton:
It may be Pisa. I know pizza when I see it.
Ralph Kramden:
You know that guy that works down. He’s a bus driver down at the Depot, Joe [Lastic 00:17:16] .
Alice Kramden:
Uh-huh (affirmative).
Ralph Kramden:
You know the guy that’s always making those stale jokes about me being slightly overweight.
Alice Kramden:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Ralph Kramden:
The bills will get bigger and bigger, and I’ll get less to eat. I’ll start losing weight. Then you know what I’ll look like?
Alice Kramden:
Yeah. A human being.
Alice Kramden:
Come on, sweetheart. Go back to bed.
Speaker 12:
Gee, I never knew Davey Crockett is so fat.
Trixie:
Alice, just between us, hint to Ralph always to face the camera because when he turns profile, brother, he’s the biggest thing on television.
Ralph Kramden:
Yes, sir. This is the time I’m going to get my pot of gold.
Alice Kramden:
Just go for the gold. You’ve already got the pot. For last time Ralph, I’ll be very proud if you win the 600 bucks.
Ralph Kramden:
$600? Peanuts, peanuts. What am I going to do with peanuts?
Alice Kramden:
Eat them like any other elephant.
Ed Norton:
Fine thing for a president of a corporation to be eating peanut butter sandwich. You ought to be eating something that’ll stick to those fat little ribs of yours.
Ralph Kramden:
Hey, what does icky mean?
Ed Norton:
I don’t know. Why?
Ralph Kramden:
Alice just said I was icky.
Ed Norton:
Must mean fat.
Ralph Kramden:
What’s wrong with those expressions?
Ed Norton:
Boy, oh, boy. How can anyone so round be so square?
Ralph Kramden:
Well how about it? What do you think?
Ed Norton:
Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just give me a little time to drink this whole thing in. It’s like seeing Boulder Dam for the first time.
Ed Norton:
Alice, is lovable, big stuff home yet?
Ralph Kramden:
Gee, I remember when I used to weigh 165. Did you ever see a picture of me when I went 165 pounds?
Ed Norton:
No, Ralph. I never did see any of your baby pictures.
Ralph Kramden:
Every time I try to do something, I get no backing from you. You never get behind me. Other husbands do things, they can always be assured that their wife stand up behind them. Why can’t you stand behind me?
Alice Kramden:
Oh, it’s not my fault, Ralph. There just isn’t enough room back there.
Alice Kramden:
Now I’ve got my shopping list all made out for tomorrow morning. I’m going to serve sandwiches, ice cream, coffee, punch, potato chips, peanuts, chocolate cake with happy birthday to Ralph on it. On second thought, I better make that coconut cake.
Trixie:
Why? Ralph’s crazy about chocolate cake.
Alice Kramden:
That’s just it. I bought him a new belt for his birthday and I want to make sure it fits the day after.
Trixie:
Oh. Well, you could always exchange it for a larger size.
Alice Kramden:
There is no larger size. If this belt doesn’t fit Ralph, then it’s back to safety pins.
Alice Kramden:
All right, Ralph. You haven’t touched it in years.
Ralph Kramden:
I want to keep it.
Ed Norton:
Okay. He’s right, Alice. He hasn’t touched his toes in years either. He still wants to keep them.
Ed Norton:
What is this amount here? One Oh five three six two two.
Ralph Kramden:
What amount? One Oh- That’s no amount. That’s my social security number.
Ed Norton:
I thought maybe it was your weight.
Ralph Kramden:
I’m quitting. I’m going home and I never want to see you again. You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside down.
Ed Norton:
Go ahead. There ain’t a man in New York City that’s strong enough to turn your stomach upside down.
Ralph Kramden:
I know they’re going to get me, Norton. I’m a-scared.
Ed Norton:
I’m a-scared. Just calm down. Relax. Look, it’s getting dark out. Five o’clock, 5:30. You know, nobody’s seen you. All they’ve seen is the dark outline, you know? Maybe there’s a thousand people there built like you in New York City.
Ralph Kramden:
You really think so?
Ed Norton:
Maybe a hundred. A couple anyway.
Alice Kramden:
Ow!
Ralph Kramden:
Hey, you. Take it easy. That’s my wife.
Speaker 13:
What are you going to do about it, fatso, huh? Now, look, pudgy, put your hands behind your back.
Ralph Kramden:
Am I worthy of this, Alice? What made the judges pick me above all the rest? What do I have that stands out?
Speaker 14:
Mr. Kramden, you have a magnificent stage presence. And that voice! Mr. Norton, did you notice when he came in how his voice filled this room?
Ed Norton:
I did notice that the room got a little crowded. I didn’t realize that it was his voice.
Ralph Kramden:
I got a little piece of news for you. It just so happens that Mr. Faversham thinks a great deal of me personally. As a matter of fact, one night at rehearsal, he said that I have something that comes across the footlights and reaches out into the audience.
Alice Kramden:
You certainly have.
Trixie:
Hey, I got to go downtown shopping tomorrow. There’s a big sale on men shorts, 89 cents a pair. Norton could sure use some.
Alice Kramden:
So did Ralph. what sizes they got?
Trixie:
Oh, all sizes. 32 to 50.
Alice Kramden:
Nope. Nothing there for Ralph.
Speaker 15:
Well, let’s see. Now to begin with, your close friends?
Ed Norton:
Well, I am as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden. We’ve known each other for a long time.
Speaker 15:
Now, tell me how long ago did you meet?
Ed Norton:
Oh, I’d say 150 pounds ago.
Ralph Kramden:
Well, Norton, it’s like everything else. A group of men are picked to do a job, trained in the same fashion as each other. There’s always one man in the group that stands out far in front of the others.
Ed Norton:
Yeah. I guess you’re right there, Ralph. You stood out any more in front, you wouldn’t be able to get behind the wheel of a bus.
Ralph Kramden:
Tomorrow morning, first thing, I’m going down the sewer and talk to his boss. There’s nothing, Alice, nothing in this world that’s going to stop me from going down, I’d swear, tomorrow morning.
Alice Kramden:
Oh no? There isn’t a manhole in this city that you could fit through.
Alice Kramden:
It’s not going to work, Ralph.
Ralph Kramden:
What do you mean it’s not going to work? I’m going to squeeze Mr. Marshall. He’s in no position to squeeze me.
Alice Kramden:
Of course not. He couldn’t even get his arms around you.
Speaker 16:
All you have to do is pick your husband’s outstanding feature and find a name that fits.
Alice Kramden:
Oh, I see. Isn’t that a good idea, Tubby?
Ed Norton:
He’s a bully. You won’t even be able to walk the streets in the neighborhood. He says, he’s going to find you and he’s going to find you. He won’t miss it because let’s face it, Ralph. You’re not the type that melts in the crowd.
Ralph Kramden:
Get a load of fatso over there.
Ralph Kramden:
Wait a minute. Don’t… Hey, what are you doing?
Speaker 17:
Out of my way, buddy? Hey, get a load of fatso there.
Ed Norton:
Oh, come on. Let’s get moving.
Ralph Kramden:
Just a moment. What did you say?
Speaker 17:
I said get a load of fatso there. Want to make something out of it?
Ralph Kramden:
I certainly do.
Ralph Kramden:
Why would he say, “Hey, fatso, get out of the way?”
Ed Norton:
I don’t know, maybe the phrase just fits.
Ralph Kramden:
Why should I cut out bowling? It’s my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight.
Alice Kramden:
You don’t need anything to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up.
Ralph Kramden:
Hello? Hello? What do you want, Mrs. Fogerty? Somebody has been taking things out of your icebox? Then what are you telling me for? You think I’m the type of man that goes around taking things out of people’s iceboxes? Don’t be a Weisenheimer Mrs. Fogerty.
Ed Norton:
Ralph, I think it’s a little tight squeeze in there. This is a case where the spirit is willing, but the flesh is just too much.
Ralph Kramden:
Look, maybe if I get out of here and you get in here, you can reach.
Ed Norton:
That is the one. That is the one. I’m small. I mean, I hate to bash you or anything like that, but you’re just a little too chubby.
Ralph Kramden:
Now, oh, shut up.
Ralph Kramden:
I was handling that janitor job just perfect. Then that thing had to happen and it wasn’t my fault, Alice. It wasn’t my fault.
Alice Kramden:
No, no it wasn’t your fault, Ralph. You were just doing an impersonation of two pounds of bologna in a one-pound bag.
Ralph Kramden:
What are you laughing at?
Speaker 18:
I was just thinking of the thing I wrote in your autograph book. Boy, you were sore about that. Today, it’s something to laugh at.
Ralph Kramden:
What thing in my autograph book?
Speaker 18:
Some kids are small. Some kids are tall, fatso Kramden is the only kid who walks down the hall wall to wall.
Ralph Kramden:
I promise you this, Norton. I’m going to learn. I’m going to learn from here on in how to swallow my pride.
Ed Norton:
Well, that ought not to be too hard. You’ve learned how to swallow everything else.
Ralph Kramden:
Get out!