Ralph Kramden:
Look, Norton. Will you make this quick? I want to go home.
Ed Norton:
I’ll make it quick. I’ll make it quick. I just want to go in and say, “Hey, who was the guy that waved to you in the lobby out there?”.
Ralph Kramden:
Oh, that guy. That was Bill Davis. I never did like that guy, ever since I know him. I haven’t seen him since we were kids.
Ed Norton:
Oh. You don’t like him, huh?
Ralph Kramden:
No, I don’t like him.
Ed Norton:
Well, you sure gave him a fast brush.
Ralph Kramden:
Well, he’s one of those loud mouths, you know? Always telling how good he’s doing. If he’s doing great, he’d never let you hear the end of it. And 10 to one, if he’s doing good, he’d get the news to Alice.
Ed Norton:
Alice?
Ralph Kramden:
Yeah. When we were kids, the both of us caught an Alice at the same time. Well, come on, will you? It’s getting late. I want to get home.
Ed Norton:
All right. All right. I just want to go in and see Slugger Simpson, I mean, after all, he was nice enough to give us the tickets to the fight, how would he feel if I didn’t go in there and congratulate him?
Ralph Kramden:
Congratulate him? How can you congratulate a guy that got knocked out in the first round?
Ed Norton:
You wouldn’t talk that way if you seen him fight three weeks ago, down at Ridgewood. He was fighting McHenry. Oh, boy. He was bobbing and weaving, doing the old one two. I’m telling you, he threw so many punches that McHenry thought he was fighting an octopus. Oh, I’m telling you, he was a different man that night.
Ralph Kramden:
He won, huh?
Ed Norton:
No, but he didn’t get knocked out until the second round.
Ralph Kramden:
Will you please go in?
Ed Norton:
I’ll go in and say hello to him instead of waiting. I’ll be right out.
Ralph Kramden:
All right. Make it as short as the fight.
Ed Norton:
All right.
Bill Davis:
Hey, Ralph. Boy, this is luck. After I lost you in the crowd I figured I’d never see you again.
Ralph Kramden:
Hiya, Bill. You see, the reason I had to run down here, was my friend was anxious to see one of the fighters that was on the card tonight. Well, certainly is nice seeing you again.
Bill Davis:
Oh, nice to see you, Ralph, after all these years. Tell me, how’s Alice?
Ralph Kramden:
Oh, she’s fine, fine.
Bill Davis:
You know, in the old days, if anybody would’ve said that you and I would be shaking hands and talking friendly, we would’ve thought they were crazy.
Ralph Kramden:
Yeah, we had a lot of fights.
Bill Davis:
We certainly did.
Ralph Kramden:
But we’re grown up now.
Bill Davis:
Yes, sir. We certainly had some feuds. Yes sir, we had some feuds.
Ralph Kramden:
What are you laughing at?
Bill Davis:
I was just thinking of the thing I wrote in your autograph book. Boy, you were sore about that. Today, it’s something to laugh at.
Ralph Kramden:
What thing in my autograph book?
Bill Davis:
Some kids are small, some kids are tall. Fatso Kramden is the only kid who walks down the hall wall to wall. Funny, isn’t it?
Ralph Kramden:
Very funny.
Bill Davis:
Yes, sir.
Ed Norton:
Hey, Ralph. Told you I wouldn’t keep you waiting.
Ralph Kramden:
Oh, Norton, this is Bill Davis, this is my friend, Ed Norton.
Ed Norton:
Hey, slip me five so I know you’re alive.
Bill Davis:
Glad to know you. Glad to know you.
Ralph Kramden:
Well, how are you doing?
Bill Davis:
Oh, great, couldn’t be better. You know, I’m off to Chicago, got my own manufacturing business. My headquarters are in Chicago, my plants are in Akron. I’m figuring on opening a branch office in New York, so my wife and I took a business trip. Say, how about you, Ralph?
Ralph Kramden:
Oh, I’m doing great.
Bill Davis:
Yeah, what’s your line?
Ralph Kramden:
Transportation business.
Bill Davis:
Transportation business?
Ralph Kramden:
Yes, Gotham Bus Company.
Bill Davis:
Yeah, what do you do?
Ralph Kramden:
Oh, I run things.
Bill Davis:
Say, that’s quite a company and you run things?
Ralph Kramden:
Yeah.
Ed Norton:
Oh, yeah. He’s in the driver’s seat.
Bill Davis:
Well, I’m real glad to hear how well you’re doing, Ralph.
Ralph Kramden:
Yeah.
Bill Davis:
I’d sure love to see it for myself. Hey, suppose I come over and you show me around the place tomorrow?
Ralph Kramden:
Oh, tomorrow? Well, I’m not going to be there tomorrow I’m very busy doing some outside work.
Bill Davis:
Well, I don’t want to take you away from your work. You break for lunch, don’t you? How about that?
Ralph Kramden:
Well, I’m not going to be around for lunch. I have some important meetings around lunch time, take up all my time.
Bill Davis:
Well, I’m an early riser. I’ll be there the first thing in the morning, 8:00? 08:30?
Ralph Kramden:
Oh, no. Right around that time, I have most of my appointments.
Ed Norton:
Yeah. He sees loads of people between 8:00 and 9:00 in the morning.
Bill Davis:
Well, too bad. I’m flying back tomorrow evening or we could have made it for another day.
Ralph Kramden:
Oh, you’re flying back tomorrow night?
Bill Davis:
Yeah.
Ralph Kramden:
Yes, it is a shame. I would have liked to taking you over and showing you my office, taking you around the place.
Bill Davis:
Geez, well, where are you located, Ralph?
Ralph Kramden:
Oh, down on 9th and 48th Street.
Bill Davis:
Tomorrow, I’ll stop in for a minute and see your setup.
Ralph Kramden:
Oh, you can’t do that. I won’t be there.
Bill Davis:
Oh, don’t worry about it. You’re the boss. Leave word with your secretary to have one of your employees show me around. I’ll be there at 6:00.
Ralph Kramden:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don’t come at six o’clock. Come around 6:30 and I’ll come back from whatever I’m doing and I’ll show you around personally.
Bill Davis:
Oh, Ralph. I don’t want to put you in any trouble.
Ed Norton:
Trouble’s his middle name.
Ralph Kramden:
Yeah, it’s no trouble at all. You just be there at 6:30 and I’ll take you around.
Bill Davis:
Okay, it’s a date. I’ll be there at 6:30 at your office.
Ralph Kramden:
Okay.
Bill Davis:
Nice meeting you, Mr. Norton.
Ed Norton:
Take it easy there.
Bill Davis:
I’m sure glad I ran into you, Ralph.
Ralph Kramden:
Yeah, me too.
Bill Davis:
So long.
Ed Norton:
Well, General, what is your plan?
Ralph Kramden:
Don’t worry. I got it figured out. That’s why I told him 6:30 instead of six o’clock. At six o’clock, Mr. Monaghan and all the office help go home. Now I got to take a chance and make believe that Mr. Monaghan office is my office. He’ll be home, he will never know the difference.
Ed Norton:
Well, what happens if Billy boy asks one of the bus drivers where Mr. Kramdens office is?
Ralph Kramden:
That will not happen, there’s only one way to get into the building, that’s the main entrance. You will be down at the main entrance. As soon as he comes in, you bring him right up to my office. I mean Monaghans office and he’ll think it’s my office and incidentally, when you finish work tomorrow put on a suit, I’ll have to wear a suit to it.
Ed Norton:
Yeah, sure. Well, I’d be glad to help out any way I can but I don’t understand why? Why? Why do you have to make out your such a big shot?
Ralph Kramden:
I had to Norton, I just had to. See when we were kids, both of us were caught in Alice at the same time. Both of us promised her the moon. Well, I don’t want him to think that he made it and I didn’t just for Alice’s sake.
Ed Norton:
Oh, I see you. You and your pride. You got a nice job. You’re happy in your work and just because he’s a rival of yours, you, you got to be pretending that you’re something you aren’t? Boy, I’m telling you. I bumped into that kind of guy a couple of months ago that Trixie was wild about you know? They used to go around together. I didn’t put on any airs you know? When he asked me what I did, I told him I was a sewer worker. I didn’t make no, try make no impression. I didn’t care what he thought.
Ralph Kramden:
What did he do?
Ed Norton:
He was a garbage collector.
Monaghan:
Hello, this is Mr. Monaghan. May I speak to my wife, please? Thank you. Hello, dear. As I find, I’m going to be detained at the office for a little while. Yes, I do realize it’s after six o’clock. Well, I can’t promise you, but I, well I expect I’ll be leaving here, oh, between 06:30 and 07:00. Well, I’m sorry, dear, but I just couldn’t help it. All right dear, then I’ll call you when I’m just about ready to leave. Thank you, bye-bye.
Ralph Kramden:
Come on Norton, step into my office. There it is.
Ed Norton:
Well, so far your luck is holding out Ralphy boy.
Ralph Kramden:
Don’t worry I know what I was doing. When six o’clock comes, boom, home they go. Oh, when Davis comes up here. He’s got to think that I’m the head of the whole bus company.
Ed Norton:
Now listen, R.K. Just listen to me for a minute. When I bring him up here, remember you are the president of the Gotham bus company, not a driver. So don’t give yourself away by yelling, “Step to the rear of the office”.
Ralph Kramden:
Just go downstairs and bring him up as soon as he gets here and I’ll be right behind the desk.
Ed Norton:
All right.
Monaghan:
Kramden?
Ralph Kramden:
Damn.
Monaghan:
Well, what are you doing here? What are you doing behind my desk? Listen, listen, come, come Kramden, now what’s the explanation for this?
Ralph Kramden:
Well, you can see, I come up to talk to you about a little business and I was looking at your chair and I thought I’d sit down and see how it feels to be boss.
Monaghan:
Well, from now on, let’s see if you can possibly avoid playing cow tow to your whimsy. Now, what was it you wanted to see me about?
Ralph Kramden:
See you about? Oh, do you think that you could arrange for a promotion for me to like a dispatcher or something like that?
Monaghan:
Kramden you know, you’ve been around here long enough to know that Mr. Muller has complete say over those promotions.
Ralph Kramden:
Yes, sir.
Monaghan:
Now, if there’s any other suggestion or anything? Yes. Mr. Monaghan. Hello? Oh, yes Riley. Yes. I’ll be right down. Now be sure you have everything set up. Yes. I can only spare you 10 minutes. All right. Right.
Ralph Kramden:
I’m sorry.
Monaghan:
Well, if there’s nothing else Kramden?
Ralph Kramden:
No, there is nothing else. Bye.
Monaghan:
Good night.
Ralph Kramden:
Night.
Ed Norton:
Right this way sir, Mr. Davis for you Mr. Kramden.
Ralph Kramden:
Hello, Bill. How are you?
Bill Davis:
Ralph, this is a very impressive looking place you’ve got here.
Ralph Kramden:
Thank you very much.
Bill Davis:
And boy, what an office.
Ralph Kramden:
Well, I’m glad you had the chance to see it, now lets get going.
Bill Davis:
Go? I just came here.
Ralph Kramden:
Well, I don’t want you to miss your plane.
Bill Davis:
Oh, if that’s what you’re worrying about, forget it. I got plenty of time. Let’s sit around and talk.
Ralph Kramden:
Wait a minute. Look, I forgot to tell you this, after I made the appointment with you. You See, I found out that I had a lot of work to do and I got to do it right away.
Bill Davis:
Oh, relax Ralph, will you? You know I’ve seen a lot of big executives like you burn yourselves out. Take my advice and slow down.
Ralph Kramden:
Yeah, I’ll start tomorrow now can we…
Monaghan:
No, nothing doing, nothing doing, you’re starting right now. You and I are going to have a nice leisurely chat about old times and I guarantee you before long, say in about a half hour or so, you’ll feel like a new man.
Ralph Kramden:
Hey, Bill but I haven’t got a half hour. I have an appointment with Mr. Monaghan in 10 minutes.
Ed Norton:
Sheesh.
Bill Davis:
Ralph, you’re all wound up. Why don’t you call this Monaghan character and cancel your appointment?
Ralph Kramden:
I can’t call up, you see the phones are all shut off.
Bill Davis:
I got to hand it to you Ralph. I never dreamed that you would ever be the head of an operation like this and you sure did it fast?
Ralph Kramden:
Yeah. Practically overnight.
Ed Norton:
Excuse me for interrupting RK but it’s 20 minutes for Monaghan. 20 minutes to seven.
Ralph Kramden:
I’m very sorry, but I, I just have to get to my work, now.
Bill Davis:
Well if you got to, you got to. Hey, maybe the next time I come to town, we can get together with the wives.
Ralph Kramden:
That’ll be fine.
Bill Davis:
I’ll get in touch with you.
Ralph Kramden:
Thank you very much.
Bill Davis:
Say, what’s the phone number here?
Ralph Kramden:
Oh, oh, well, don’t call me here. Call me at home.
Bill Davis:
Oh, sure. What’s your home number?
Ralph Kramden:
It’s a non-listed number, I can never think of that number.
Ed Norton:
Oh yes, Benson High six 0 0 nine eight.
Ralph Kramden:
Can I, can I always get you there?
Ed Norton:
Oh, yeah, yeah. Trixie the maid is always there.
Ralph Kramden:
Well, thank you very much, now when you show Mr. Davis down to the street.
Bill Davis:
Okay Ralph, I will be seeing you.
Ralph Kramden:
Bye. Yes, thank you, thank you.
Monaghan:
Kramden? What are you doing in here?
Ralph Kramden:
You’re right. You’re absolutely right. Muller’s the man to tell me about the promotion.
Trixie:
Oh, Alice?
Alice:
What is it Trix?
Trixie:
Telephone.
Alice:
Oh, gee. I can’t come now. I’m just starting supper.
Trixie:
Okay.
Alice:
Hello? Yes, it is. Who? Bill Davis. Well, when did you get into town? No, Ralph didn’t tell me. Oh, you saw him again this afternoon? No, he’s not home yet. Well, this certainly is a surprise. Well, what are you doing in town? When am I going to get a chance to see you and meet your wife? Oh, well I’m sorry your flight was canceled but I’m glad it’ll give us a chance to get together. Yeah. You want to come over here? To our house? Well, if you’d rather not, sure, oh, that will be wonderful. Yeah. I know Ralph would be delighted, sure. That’ll give us plenty of time. All right, we’ll meet you at The Colonnade Room at nine 09:30. Oh, I’m really looking forward to seeing you Bill. All right. Bye-bye. Take it away Trix.
Trixie:
Okay.
Ralph Kramden:
Hi, sweetie.
Alice:
Oh, Hiya Ralph. I just talked to Bill Davis.
Ralph Kramden:
You talked to who?
Alice:
Bill Davis, on the phone.
Ralph Kramden:
You did?
Alice:
Yeah. How come you didn’t tell me you met him at the fights last night?
Ralph Kramden:
Well, when I got home, you was asleep and then this morning when I got up, I forgot about it. He didn’t say anything, did he?
Alice:
Well, just that he saw you at the bus company this afternoon, why?
Ralph Kramden:
Oh, nothing. Nothing.
Alice:
Gee, he must surely be doing well Ralph.
Ralph Kramden:
Well, he says he is, yes.
Alice:
He invited us to have dinner with him tonight with his wife.
Ralph Kramden:
That’s impossible. He’s flying to Chicago tonight.
Alice:
No, he’s not. The airlines just canceled his flight and I’m so glad that they canceled it Ralph because it’ll give us all a chance to get together and wait until I tell you where we’re going to have dinner, The Colonnade Room.
Ralph Kramden:
We are not going.
Alice:
Why not?
Ralph Kramden:
Because we’re not, that’s why. You know what kind of a place that Colonnade is, don’t you?
Alice:
Well, Ralph, I’ve heard about it for years. It’s supposed to be a very fine exclusive restaurant.
Ralph Kramden:
Is that so? Well that shows how much you know about it. Just so happens that it’s the most expensive restaurant in the whole world. What do you think it costs to eat there? Cost $3 a person.
Alice:
Ralph, Bill invited us, he doesn’t expect you to pay for anything besides he was down at the bus company and he knows you’re a bus driver.
Ralph Kramden:
I’m not going.
Alice:
Now listen Ralph, Bill was nice enough to invite us and I accepted his invitation so we have to go, besides we never get a chance to go to a place like that and we haven’t danced together in years.
Ralph Kramden:
You want to go dancing? Okay. Tonight I will take you to the Hong Kong Gardens. Dance all you want.
Alice:
Oh, Ralph.
Ralph Kramden:
You can even have those sweet and sour Litchi nuts that you like, the hole [inaudible 00:16:03]. I will go the hole route tonight.
Alice:
Listen Ralph, this is a lot of nonsense. You can’t give me one good reason why we shouldn’t have dinner with Bill and his wife.
Ralph Kramden:
I can’t? I will give you a reason. The food at the Colonnade is no good, that’s why.
Alice:
How can you say that?
Ralph Kramden:
How can I say it? Name me one truck driver who eats there?
Alice:
Oh.
Ed Norton:
How about a little game of pool tonight, off day, little game of pool. That is if your not tied up in a board of directors meeting.
Ralph Kramden:
I’m in dire trouble Norton. Davis called, called, she called her up today.
Ed Norton:
Oh, you mean, you mean she knows about the boss’s office?
Ralph Kramden:
I don’t know, but she’s sure to find out. He invited us to dinner. He’s going to take his wife, Alice and me. We’re all going to dinner. It’s sure to come up. Now I got to have some excuse for not going. Now, come on. Give me, give me some excuse, something to say, anything, anything!
Ed Norton:
Wait a minute, I’m thinking. The wheels are turning, wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. I got it. Tell him he got a new job, that you’re captain of the Elder France and the ship is sailing in 20 minutes.
Ralph Kramden:
What good is that going to do?
Ed Norton:
Well you asked for anything, if that isn’t anything then I don’t know what is.
Ralph Kramden:
Anybody that asks you for an idea must be an idiot. Come on Norton, give me an idea.
Ed Norton:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Will you stop getting into such a state. Don’t worry about it. When you’re together. Don’t talk about business. Get off the subject. Talk about something else. Don’t talk about business.
Ralph Kramden:
That’s right. He told me I shouldn’t talk about business. I should forget business and relax. I’ll burn myself out.
Ed Norton:
That’s it.
Ralph Kramden:
Well every time he starts to talk about business. I’ll remind him that we’re on a pleasure night and I don’t want to talk about business.
Ed Norton:
Good.
Ralph Kramden:
Certainly glad I thought of that.
Ed Norton:
All right. Now listen, let this be a lesson to you. I mean, out of all the times when you start to show off, it gets bigger and bigger, it grows and grows like a chain reaction. Now I mean, you got out of it easy this time but you may not be so lucky next time.
Ralph Kramden:
I know it, Norton I know. Me and my silly pride. I promise you this Norton. I’m going to learn. I’m going to learn from here on in how to swallow my pride.
Ed Norton:
Well, that aught to be not too hard. You’ve learned how to swallow everything else.
Ralph Kramden:
Get out.
Millie:
That was a delicious dinner.
Alice:
I don’t know when I’ve had a better steak.
Speaker 8:
Would anyone care for any dessert?
Millie:
No, thank you.
Bill Davis:
No, thanks. I’ve been putting on a little weight lately.
Speaker 8:
Would you like some coffee or demitasse?
Millie:
Demitasse.
Bill Davis:
Coffee.
Millie:
Demitasse.
Speaker 8:
And you sir?
Ralph Kramden:
I don’t want either. I’ll have a small cup of black coffee.
Bill Davis:
Funny buddy.
Alice:
Oh Bill, I’m so glad you asked us out tonight. It’s been such a wonderful evening.
Bill Davis:
Believe me your old man can stand an evening like this. I’ve got an idea it’s half known of how hard he works.
Ralph Kramden:
Look now, please, I asked you to not to talk about business. We’re all here on pleasure. Let’s not mix it up.
Bill Davis:
That’s a good rule to stick to. I’m telling you, Alice. I’ve seen men who take their responsibility seriously. Ralph has got them all beat.
Alice:
I know he certainly does work hard.
Bill Davis:
I can tell from the few minutes I spent at the bus company.
Ralph Kramden:
What do you say we? Do we go in and have a little dance in the other room?
Alice:
Will you excuse us? I may never get this chance again.
Bill Davis:
Sure.
Millie:
You know, it’s certainly nice that Ralph invited us here tonight.
Bill Davis:
Well, I’ve got something to confess to you, Millie. I invited them.
Millie:
You invited them? But this dinner must cost at least $40. We can’t afford it. Whatever made you invite them?
Bill Davis:
Well, Ralph and I went to school together and I, I didn’t want him to know that I wasn’t doing good so I said I had my own company, factories in Akron, headquarters in Chicago. Well, anyway, I did it.
Millie:
Well, why couldn’t you tell him you’re an assistant plumber?
Bill Davis:
I guess it was my foolish pride.
Millie:
Oh Bill, now what are you going to do when the cheque comes?
Bill Davis:
Look, Ralph is the head of a bus company. This is his town. He’s not going to let me pay the cheque.
Millie:
Well, I don’t know.
Bill Davis:
Listen to me, will you Millie? A big shot like him has probably got a charge account in every one of these restaurants.
Millie:
Oh, I feel terrible about this. Well, look, look, I tell you what you do now. The only thing to do is, is make a gesture like you want to pay the bill.
Bill Davis:
All right, honey I will. I’ll ask for the cheque like I want to pay for it but believe me, after seeing the place he runs, I’m sure money means nothing to Ralph.
Millie:
I don’t ever want you to do anything like this again.
Bill Davis:
I promise you.
Ralph Kramden:
I can do those foxtrots but when it gets to Mamba music or Samba music that’s, I’m out.
Millie:
Oh, Mamba Jamba. Bill, come on.
Bill Davis:
Excuse us. Oh, waiter, bring me the cheque.
Speaker 8:
Very good sir.
Millie:
They’re a nice couple, Ralph.
Ralph Kramden:
Yeah, they certainly are. I got to admit, success certainly didn’t spoil him.
Alice:
No and you know what’s so wonderful, is that saying a successful person stays so plain and unaffected. You know, tonight’s going to cost him a pretty penny Ralph.
Ralph Kramden:
Well, why does he care? He’s loaded, he don’t care. You know a guy like him, an executive, they can charge all of this stuff off you know, on entertainment or something. The government allows him that.
Alice:
But Ralph, the next time they come to town we got to have them out to the house.
Ralph Kramden:
Oh, no. I mean, who knows when they’ll come out this way again. I’ll tell you what I’ll do, just sort of a nice gesture, I’ll make believe I want to pay the bill.
Alice:
Oh, Ralph.
Ralph Kramden:
It’s nothing you know, I’ll just say, please let me pay the bill, I’ll feel better that way.
Alice:
I don’t know Ralph.
Ralph Kramden:
Don’t worry about it.
Bill Davis:
Oh, it’s tough to Mamba on full stomach.
Ralph Kramden:
Yes, it certainly is.
Speaker 8:
Here’s the cheque sir.
Millie:
You know, when I first met Bill, he wouldn’t sit out one day.
Bill Davis:
Oh the cheque, I will take it.
Ralph Kramden:
Now wait a minute, Bill. I insist that I pay the cheque.
Bill Davis:
Okay, Ralph.
Ralph Kramden:
I got a confession to make. My wife Alice has told me this once, she’s told me a thousand times, that I shouldn’t try to be somebody I’m not, I can’t afford to pay this check. I’m not the boss of the Gotham bus company, I’m just a bus driver. That office I had you in today belongs to Monaghan, he’s my boss. I’m sorry, just another case of my silly pride.
Alice:
Oh Ralph, you couldn’t have done a thing like that. I don’t know what to say.
Millie:
Bill? You better say something.
Bill Davis:
Ralph. I haven’t got a company in Chicago. I’m an assistant plumber. We didn’t come here by plane, we came by bus. I can’t afford to pay the cheque either.
Ralph Kramden:
Your an assistant plumber.
Bill Davis:
Your a bus driver.
Ralph Kramden:
Oh, baby. Well I got, 16 bucks.
Bill Davis:
I got 12.
Millie:
And here is nine.
Bill Davis:
Well put it in the pot then.